Negative on Positive

Today I did something that I didn’t think I would be able to do for months- today, I accepted the fact that some people will never change. 

In my past relationship, I was not perfect; actually, I was nowhere even minutely close to perfect. I have anger issues, I regularly deal with depression, anxiety, and OCD tendencies. (Yes, these have been diagnosed by a doctor, so fuck off with your theories.) I know that at parts in my past relationship, I was not always fair. I was not always compassionate, I was not always loving. I know that I said things I did not mean, did things that I should not have, and was not the best I could have been. However, I did not cheat on my significant other, nor would I ever have done that; herein lies the complete and total breakdown of the saying “people never change.”

I remember sitting at Outback with you. You ordered Jameson and some wings, two of your favorite things. It was a regular date night, that is, until you told me that you had cheated on every girlfriend you have had. At that point, I should have ended things, but I loved you. You shrugged it off like it was nothing as I told you that if you cheated on me, you would never see me or hear from me again. You swore that if you started having temptations or thoughts, you would tell me. Well, newsflash, people never change.

I remember defending you going out all the time, just saying that you liked being away from me since we lived together. I should have ended it the first night you didn’t come home- St. Patrick’s Day, in fact. You told me that I had known about the party and just never listened to you. I know for a damn fact you never told me about that party, but I let you tell me what I did and did not know.

Finally, I woke up alone in the bed we had shared for almost a year and a half. I got ready for work. I walked into the living room, you were asleep on the couch with your phone in your hand. I hadn’t seen you in days, it felt like. At this point, we were drifting. The night before, I had went out, but came home early so that I could spend time with you. I fell asleep waiting for you. I should have ended it then. I went to wake you up so you could sleep in bed vs the couch, your phone was in your hand, illuminated. I went to plug your phone in by the bed. And then I saw it. Something that I have tried to bleach out of my brain for the past two months, something that makes me sick to my stomach to think about- the very graphic text to a girl I told you I didn’t feel comfortable with, telling her that you had a great time with her last night. That the sex was great, and you couldn’t wait to do that again.

I remember feeling my heart physically break in my chest. I remember it so well because I haven’t stop feeling the shrapnel from it since that day. I continued to pour through your phone (something I am not proud of, by any means.) I found 5 different girls. 5 girls who were getting parts of you that I was not, all while I sat up waiting for you to come home and pay me 5 minutes of attention. I should’ve ended it there.

I have never been so hurt, so sick, so fucking pissed off, so broken in my entire life. Not when my mother told me she never loved me, not when the person I was engaged to hit me, not when I found out that I couldn’t have children.. never. But I let you have that power over me and you are not even worth the effort to type out the things you did to me. 

We had a home together. While it may not have felt like home to you, it was everything to me. I worked hard to make sure that our lives would work and yet, that wasn’t enough. All of my life, I’ve heard people talk about how “love conquers all” and “love can fix anything.” That is bullshit. The love I had for you never conquered your narcissism- how quick you were to tell me all of the things that were wrong with me. It never conquered your excuses- there is no excuse for hurting someone. It never conquered your choice to have sex with a random girl instead of coming home to have sex with the woman you had built a home with- but we both know that you are not a man that is worthy of a woman so beautifully broken as I. You brought a dark cloud to the paradise that I had been living in for so long, you brought negative to a positive.

I continued to let you hurt me and string me along. After you moved out, you helped me with some of my moving expenses- thank you for the obligatory compassion you showed me. You are trying to buy me out of my emotions and that will never happen.

What you did was fucked up in so many ways. I was nowhere near perfect, but I bled my fingers raw for you. I cooked for you, cleaned for you, payed bills, helped you take care of your mom. I washed clothes for you, I cared for you, I made you gifts for EVERY holiday and you never once gave me a single thing. Most of all, I loved you more than I thought was possible. You told me that I was “the real deal.” I am.

So, today I decided that it is time for you to go. It is time for you, and everyone who works at that godforsaken store, to go. You do not deserve a place in my life anymore, and I don’t believe you ever did.

I loved you so much. Thank you for teaching me that what I put into people will not be wrong for the right person. I hope you find happiness and purpose in your life, but I also hope you find pain, frustration, and guilt. 

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